I recently found someone with whom I could possibly have a great connection with. we’ve found common ground on tons of things, have differences in opinion about others, and just generally have a nice time together. While it’s a bit too early to call what we have a relationship, I’d certainly want it to turn into one in the near future.
And I’m a nervous wreck.
I know I’m capable of staring a relationship with someone, I have in the past, it’s just that none of them have exactly been what someone would call successful. Which is why I have trouble connecting with people, and showing them my many (many) vulnerabilities.
I have a tendency of freezing up when people ask me about myself. In my head I’m listing traits that I know people will find interesting (writer, baker, feminist, aunt). But what comes out of my mouth is a nervous chuckle, accompanied by a blush and me quickly leaving the area.
On rare occasions, I’ll have a conversation that hits all the right notes at the right time, and attempts to recreate these occasions fail miserably.
And times where people ask me about my past, or why I am the way that I am, all bets are off. there’s just some things that leave scars I don’t want reopen, and I get intensely uncomfortable when people try. But that’s something I’m working on.
I know it’s something that’s essential to a relationship, but I’m terrified of opening up to someone in the fear that they will reject me.
It’s the same knee-jerk reaction I get when I write a deeply personal post like this one. it is easier to hide behind a keyboard and a screen, but not by much. I know that there’s potential for the whole world to see what I’ve written and that mortifies me.
which is why I have to remind myself to take a leap of faith and let go, and hit that little blue button. So, in a way, every post i’ve written has been a little leap of faith, and now I’m about to jump again.