Tonight is Halloween. As I’m typing this, my brother and his kids are out trick or treating. I stepped outsideĀ  a few minutes ago, hearing the laughter and urgency of kids who were enjoying one of the best nights of the year. It got me thinking about possibilities.

If certain physicists are correct, right now there is another me; a version of myself who is a wife and a mother, who is taking her children out to enjoy the magic that is this holiday. I can’t help but ask myself, why am I not her?

Why am I not brave, why am I not successful, why am I so terrified of the world around me, why am I afraid of the future?

If I was this other version of myself, would I not be happy? In my mind, she is confident, she knows what she wants, and she goes after it. She has a family that loves her, she is perfect.

But no one is perfect, are they? I think of this possibility of another me, a perfect me, and I see it only at face value. I don’t see her past or the difficulty of her present, I see her holding her daughter’s hand while her partner pushes their son in a stroller. I see her confidently engaging other parents in conversation.

Everything about her is fantasy to me. I think of myself as unconfident, anxious, and lonely. But what if the possibility of what I can be isn’t just a possibility? What if it’s a vision of the future? I know under the right circumstances, I could be this other me in the future. But what circumstances are they? Am I thinking too much about how ridiculous this seems? Why is the perfect me just a fantasy?

My anxiety could be temporary, my confidence could come very soon. Like I said, under the right circumstances, I could have that future. I just have to work on my present circumstances first. I have to think of possibilities as certainties.


Not going away

As the title says, I’m not going away. I’ve just had a pack of writing inspiration lately, in addition to just feeling generally awful about myself. Don’t worry, I’m trying to feel less awful, one step at a time.

In the long weeks since I posted last I’ve been a little busy. I started up an Etsy shop for my jewelry, so I’ve pretty much been my inventory every day. I’ll eventually get a link to that on here, but I won’t pester people to buy anything. I’ve also started some volunteer work at a local haunted house, which will take up my weekend nights for the next four weeks.

I guess I could say I’ve been pretty productive. Still no real job to speak of, but I’ve talked about that at length here before. I also will probably start writing over at Scared to Watch, a little horror movie review blog I found out about on Reddit. If you’re willing, take a look at the site, it’s small, but promising.

And that’s pretty much what I’ve been up to the past few weeks. I promise I’ll try to be on here a little more, maybe not daily, but more than once a month for sure.

Just saying thanks to those who still read this thing, I can’t thank you enough.