Possibilities

Tonight is Halloween. As I’m typing this, my brother and his kids are out trick or treating. I stepped outside  a few minutes ago, hearing the laughter and urgency of kids who were enjoying one of the best nights of the year. It got me thinking about possibilities.

If certain physicists are correct, right now there is another me; a version of myself who is a wife and a mother, who is taking her children out to enjoy the magic that is this holiday. I can’t help but ask myself, why am I not her?

Why am I not brave, why am I not successful, why am I so terrified of the world around me, why am I afraid of the future?

If I was this other version of myself, would I not be happy? In my mind, she is confident, she knows what she wants, and she goes after it. She has a family that loves her, she is perfect.

But no one is perfect, are they? I think of this possibility of another me, a perfect me, and I see it only at face value. I don’t see her past or the difficulty of her present, I see her holding her daughter’s hand while her partner pushes their son in a stroller. I see her confidently engaging other parents in conversation.

Everything about her is fantasy to me. I think of myself as unconfident, anxious, and lonely. But what if the possibility of what I can be isn’t just a possibility? What if it’s a vision of the future? I know under the right circumstances, I could be this other me in the future. But what circumstances are they? Am I thinking too much about how ridiculous this seems? Why is the perfect me just a fantasy?

My anxiety could be temporary, my confidence could come very soon. Like I said, under the right circumstances, I could have that future. I just have to work on my present circumstances first. I have to think of possibilities as certainties.

Not going away

As the title says, I’m not going away. I’ve just had a pack of writing inspiration lately, in addition to just feeling generally awful about myself. Don’t worry, I’m trying to feel less awful, one step at a time.

In the long weeks since I posted last I’ve been a little busy. I started up an Etsy shop for my jewelry, so I’ve pretty much been my inventory every day. I’ll eventually get a link to that on here, but I won’t pester people to buy anything. I’ve also started some volunteer work at a local haunted house, which will take up my weekend nights for the next four weeks.

I guess I could say I’ve been pretty productive. Still no real job to speak of, but I’ve talked about that at length here before. I also will probably start writing over at Scared to Watch, a little horror movie review blog I found out about on Reddit. If you’re willing, take a look at the site, it’s small, but promising.

And that’s pretty much what I’ve been up to the past few weeks. I promise I’ll try to be on here a little more, maybe not daily, but more than once a month for sure.

Just saying thanks to those who still read this thing, I can’t thank you enough.

Why the “T” belongs in LGBT

I recently read an article that stated that people who are Transgender should not be counted as part of the LGBT movement.

This article was in response to Caitlyn  Jenner. As most of us well know, Caitlyn Jenner does not support gay marriage. This makes little sense to those in the LGBT community.

Now this article suggests that people in the community are confused because many of us believe that being Transgender means you are gay. Or, in other words, that being Transgender directly ties to your sexuality. But that’s not why I believe that Transgender individuals belong in this community.

There were two people who changed the world by sparking the Stonewall riots (without which LGBT activism as we know it would not exist today.) One of those people was Sylvia Rivera.

Sylvie Rivera was a founding member of the Gay Liberation Front, and the co-founder of STAR (dedicated in part to helping trans women of color). She was also gender fluid.

What does this mean? It means that Transgender issues have been tied with the LGBT community since its conception. The community as we know it literally would not exist.

Unfortunately, although a Transgender rights activist had a pivotal role in sparking the gay rights movement, Transgender rights are still woefully absent from our society.

This is where the LGBT community comes in. We can change history again the way it was changed at Stonewall; it’s already starting.

We need to repay the Transgender community for what they did for us by doing the same for them. We don’t need the “T” out of LGBT, we need it to be front and center.

Still here

So… long story short that big risk I took back in May didn’t work out. And now I’m in the same position I was last year, broke and living at home. I think it would be more accurate to say I actually have it worse off than I did last year, because last year I at least had a job while being broke and living with my parents.

Now this just seems like a stupid rant but it isn’t. This is me acknowledging that I am once again at an emotional low. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to go anywhere, and I don’t want to do anything

I haven’t felt this bad in a while actually. Why am I saying this all to an all but abandoned blog? Because when I started this I said it was a journal. I said it was somewhere I could be vulnerable without much consequence and that’s what I need right now.

I honestly don’t even care if this never gets read because it’s not really for an audience, it’s for me. It’s for the days when anxiety is stopping me from going outside or even texting anyone. It’s for the nights when I feel exhausted even though I slept through most of the day. It’s for when I fill out job application after job application and feel useless for getting next to nothing in return.

Maybe venting to the Internet makes me crazy, but it also makes me feel sane, and maybe that’s all that matters. But, for now, I’m done venting. Maybe I’ll actually get something done today. 

Just dipping my toe back into the water of blogging

Yes I’m back (again) and I’ve been through a hell of a lot this summer, but that’s for another post.

I’m returning with a topic I’ve talked about before,

at length, and probably too much.

But still, I talk about it now.

Why?

Because I’m still hit with the accusation that I’m not queer enough.

I’m sick of this, you say too me.

You bring up this topic Ad nauseam

Yes, I know this much, I said it myself,

but still,

I will bring up biphobia and bi-erasure until I see that there is none.

And sure, maybe this poetic approach is a little overplayed.

But I’m a writer, and when the inspiration comes, who am I to say no?

Especially with this issue,

this pet peeve that I encounter every day.

My gay friends like to joke,

pick a side.

I say why not both?

Even if I were a little more sapphically-inclined,

why would it matter?

Does it make me more queer if I pick Alice over Bob?

Pick a side,

the anonymous stranger says.

You haven’t found the right man yet.

Plus isn’t it a little bit slutty,

to just take whatever you can get?

and isn’t it a little greedy,

to want everything for yourself?

Those three words are what I, and so many others like me, am reduced to

Indecisive, slutty, greedy

If you knew me, you’d know I’m none of the above,

That I just want my freedom.

The freedom to see door number one, and door number two,

and tear down the walls between them.

I’m back from the dead (and here’s where I went)

Well, I checked my calendar today and calculated how long it’s been since I’ve blogged. Too. Damn. Long.

Of course, I’m being imprecise for dramatic reasons. It’s been about six months. I know this because my last post was a whine-fest about my shitty Halloween. But I know the exact question on the lips of whoever still reads this crap. Where did I go? Are you ready for the answer?

After a year of making crappy decisions and being generally unhappy with my state of mind I decided a change was in order. I remembered a man I talked to in high school, a recruiter by the name of Stifler. (yes, just like in American Pie.)  I remembered how intrigued I was by the Navy, and the military in general, and how that intrigue had stayed in the back of my mind.

So, I packed up my doubts and my fears and went to the recruiting station. After I talked with my new recruiter, the doubts and fear were still there, but something else lingered on as well; relief. I waited a couple weeks and then gave him a call.

And that’s where my journey to a career I could be proud of began. I went to MEPS, took my ASVAB, got a passable score, and two weeks later I went back for my physical. And I didn’t pass. I had to do one exercise over again. This was a few weeks before Christmas, so I had a month to practice before I could go back, and practice I did. Every. Single. Day. I even had the help of my nieces. Then I went back to MEPS and passed.

Why am I going into excruciating, boring detail? Because I can. And because every week until I was sworn in as a future Sailor in the US Navy I became more and more certain of my decision. In that four weeks I called my recruiter more than few times to make sure I was still scheduled to do what I needed to do. After I passed I even quit my job and joined a gym to dedicate more time to my training.

Now I am in the process of training for, well, training, which I’m leaving for next month.

That’s right, next month I will be leaving the state of California to go to Recruit Training Command in Great Lakes, Illinois. I will be leaving my family, my friends, and my material possessions behind, which includes this blog. I’m writing about this now, after six months of silence, because it’s finally sinking in. I will be leaving home for the longest period of time I ever have. I feel elated, terrified, and I feel relieved all at the same time.

Every time I look at my ship date I get this indescribable feeling. I guess it could be described as excitement but that seems all to simple. It’s like I can finally see a path for myself that will lead me to great things, things that I’m in no way prepared for, but still somehow hoping for. I have a concrete plan for the first time in my life. In a way, I’m taking something seriously for the first time in my life.

So ask me again, where have I been? And I’ll tell you again; exactly where I was supposed to be.

Halloween

Wow, its been a while, I can see the cobwebs and dust starting to form over my old posts. Well, that’s just because I’ve been incredibly busy for the last few weeks. I started the night shift at my new job, which means my blogging time has been severely limited. I’m lucky to get home before 11:00 pm these days, at which point I go right to sleep, and mornings are pretty much a distant memory to me now.

But that’s not what this post is about, as the astute readers might have guessed by the title, this is about Halloween. Halloween has held a special place in my heart since I was a kid, and I hope everyone reading this had a good one, because I did not.

Oh, I went to a party, a huge party which I bought a ticket for. I dressed up in my Wonder Woman costume, which only led to a mild wardrobe malfunction that did not involve my chest or my lady parts, and I danced, a lot. So, theoretically, it should have been a good night. Well, at the beginning of the night, I ran into a friend of mine from high school. Now I’ve been to his house for parties and such, when I can, and he was with a group that I knew from those parties.

The night was fine until I noticed a member of the group (who shall not be named, I’m not interested in being petty), didn’t seem to like that I was there. It would have been fine, but this eventually led to most of the group avoiding me the whole night.

So, as neurotic as I am, I let it pretty much ruin my whole night. Whenever I was dancing, I wasn’t thinking about how great the music sounded, I was thinking about how shitty it was to be systematically avoided by people I thought were my friends (or at least, acquaintances). One of whom (again, shall not be named), who specifically said they wanted to be my friend.

Now, I’m sorry for burdening the people who may or may not read this with my problems, but this is the second year in a row I’ve had a confusing, lonely, and shitty Halloween. And this year was worse than the last (which is saying something). And I’ve come to feel that this is a safe place to air out these issues.

So again, I hope everyone had a happy Halloween, and I sincerely hope that next year is much, much better for me.

four essential aftercare tips for fresh tattoos.

In honor of my first tattoo (done about a month ago)

Tattoos, just like a fur or a pair of old favorite boots, require some care to stand the test of time.

Tattoos done before about 1990 have little hope of staying clear and unsullied by sun and weather and wear. The inks used before that time had many pigment ingredients which could react to sun exposure, and to the wearer’s own body fluids. These days, most tattoo inks used by professional artists are inert and hypo-allergenic, and at the very least should not react to the skin itself. They can still be faded and worn if not cared for properly. (Some people might still be allergic to certain inks, but it’s very rare.)

A tattoo is ink that is permanently set just under the translucent top layer of skin. This top layer is like an elastic window that you look through to see the ink. If the top layer is…

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Clearing up Asinine Misconceptions of Bisexuality

The Rustlerette

Many bisexual bloggers have posted about their gripes, so I decided to make a masterpost of sorts about all the ridiculous things people have said to me upon finding out that I was bisexual before I discovered the college party scene.

“You’re so lucky! You have twice the options!”

First of all, I like to tell people that being bisexual is twice the disappointment, because people of all genders have the potential to find you unattractive. Plus, we all have standards. I have no more options than anyone else. Also you’re taking genderqueer people out of the equation, who have the same potential for attractiveness as anyone else. I could write a whole page about transphobia and bisexuality but I digress.

This will be on my tombstone.

“You’re dating a man, I guess you’re straight now.”

I mean, I can see where this logic comes from. I’ll give you the…

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TV Review: MTV’s “Faking It”

Like many people, my initial exposure to MTV’s show Faking It was the controversy it raised as a result of its subject matter. And, again, like many people, I avoided the show altogether. But after reading a little more into what the show actually involved, I gave it a chance. I found myself watching all of season one in one night, and I was pleasantly surprised.

Faking It is not a perfect show, it’s far from it. But it’s much more than I was expecting from MTV. We’re talking about the MTV that gave us the debacle that was the American version of Skins. The MTV that introduced the world to Teen Mom. The very same network that is still derided, a decade later, for their decision to stop running music videos. So, needless to say, I went into Faking It with very low expectations.

To explain why my expectations were so low to start with, I have to give the basic premise of the show, so here goes.

Faking It is about two (very close) best friends who decide to fake being lesbians to become popular.

There it is, the basic premise. This is something that could have easily been done by following a formula, and thereby offend a large amount of people; but Faking It takes this premise and turns it on its head.

Karma, a girl who is unhappy with her social standing in high school (big surprise) enlists her reluctant best friend Amy to pretend to be her girlfriend after the two are (mistakenly) outed at a house party. The two girls quickly find themselves thrust into popularity at their Austin, Texas high school. Soon They are nominated to be homecoming queens, and it’s at this nomination ceremony where everything changes.

At the behest of the large, cheering crowd, Amy and Karma kiss to prove their “Relationship” is the real deal. And while Karma is ecstatic that their kiss was believable, Amy finds herself reevaluating her feelings for her best friend. And thus ends the first episode of Faking It.

This seems, again, like it could go very, very wrong. But, fortunately, for the most part, it doesn’t. What first sets this show apart is the acting, especially from Rita Volk, as Amy. The rest of the cast does a decent job, most are relatively believable, but Volk stands out all on her own. She captures the role of someone suffering from unrequited love perfectly, and she really sells her character.

The writing also isn’t too bad, and while some jokes fall flat, most of the dialogue is solid, and the characters are varied. So, let’s start with what else this show does right.

Aside from the acting and writing, there’s the characters themselves.

Every character feels like their own person. You’ll never hear Amy saying something Karma would say, and vice versa, and, most importantly, no character is truly a stereotype. Sure, they have stereotypical qualities, but those are (wonderfully) parodied with each passing episode. But I think the best characters are the ones you’d normally root against.

Amy has a very Christian, and very rude stepsister named Lauren. And she is wonderful. She’s mean, and crude, and just an all around bitch, but she’s not a bigot. Her Christianity is just a part of who she is, and it’s not overall part of what makes her a bad person, the writers are content with letting her actions play that out. But at the same time, she is sympathetic. We see her soften around her gay best friend (because of course she has one), and she’s even sometimes nice to Amy. Which brings us to the “Good” characters.

I have to admit, at first glance I hated Karma. She’s just the kind of attention seeker that makes you find her insufferable, and sometimes downright nasty. But, her attempts at popularity do make her somewhat endearing, and when she’s around Amy, she shines. We see how warm and decent she can be when shes with her best friend, and, as a result, we see part of what Amy loves about her. Karma is very, very flawed, but deep down, she’s a kind and decent person.

Amy is by far my favorite character on the show (followed closely by Lauren). She is somehow both deeply insecure and strangely confident. She balances out Karma’s oddities quite well, and brings some of her own to the table. When she gets angry, or sad, we see her make highly regrettable decisions, and we see her beat herself up for it. Seeing her pine after her best friend is pretty heartbreaking, to say the least, and extremely relatable.

Which brings me to the relationship between Amy and Karma. These two best friends are insanely close, and with the chemistry that Rita Volk and Katie Stevens have, it’s no surprise that they’re mistaken for lovers. You can see the history these two have whenever they’re together, it really makes their friendship believable. And as something that’s the crux of the show, it speaks for the talent of the two actresses that they can pull it off.

Enough about what this show does right, what does it do wrong?

Well first off, as an MTV show, it’s still got quite a few problems. There’s the ridiculous censorship, for one thing. Which, after a while, I stopped noticing, but when the first “bleep” comes, it takes you out of the show entirely.

Then there’s the fact that it doesn’t quite know what audience to appeal to. There’s lots of, for lack of a better term, fanservice, and most is male-oriented.

And then there’s Liam. No offense to Gregg Sulkin, who, try as he might , can’t lock down a believable American accent, but Liam is boring. He is so, so boring, I almost find myself dozing off when he’s onscreen. The love triangle is such a tired trope I can’t believe it’s even in the show to begin with, and then I remember this show is on MTV. The very fact that Liam is a main character hurts my brain, he’s secondary character material at best.

Next is the complete disregard for the idea that either one of the girls could be bisexual. Sure, it would be contrived if Karma was also in love with Amy, but they could have at least made Amy bisexual. But no, as soon as she kisses Karma it’s made explicitly clear that she is a lesbian. To me, that’s just lazy writing, and missing a chance at even greater conflict for a greatly varied character.

So all in all Faking It is a show I’ll be adding to my weekly roster. It holds my attention, and it’s pretty well done. But, I feel the need to conclude with this. Please, writers, let Amy and Karma at least stay friends. I’ll at least accept that they won’t get married (even though they’re so obviously in love), if you’ll give me that.